Hello Wonders!
Today I’m answering a question from a premium subscriber. I love receiving these, so please keep them coming. My heart opens a bit wider each and every time I receive one.
Question: Forgiveness is difficult for me. How about you?
I think about forgiveness often. My ease with forgiving varies from day to day, situation to situation. But in general, my personal commitment is to forgive as much as I can, as each time I do my heart feels less and less like a cluttered, messy room. Forgiving is like Spring cleaning for my psyche. And that’s not to say it’s a breeze, as it most often involves revisiting the initial wound and feeling into the pain long enough for it to move out of my body. I’ve never moved anything without fully feeling it first. And, as is the case with actual Spring cleaning, things tend to get messier before they get better. It takes some focused bravery on my part to allow things to get messy. Sweeping all of that anger and grief out from under the couch isn’t always pleasant, but it’s a crucial step in making my inner world sparkle.
Something I’ve always known, but didn’t understand in depth until this year — it is far easier to forgive others when I’ve forgiven myself for all that needs forgiving. A long time ago, I wrote that the hardest people in the world to forgive are the people we once were, the people we are trying not to stir into the recipe of who we are now. If I’m struggling to forgive someone there is a fairly good chance I’m not yet right with myself. That may not be the case for you, but if it resonates in any way, spend some time with that possibility and see what happens.
As I commonly write about forgiveness, I’ve had a lot of people tell me that they believe forgiveness is often detrimental to their healing. Last week I shared these words online, Put down the grudge you are holding so you can pick up the phone and say, “How many days did we need each other at the same time without knowing it?” Someone commented that they hoped I wasn’t speaking about an abuser. I wasn’t. But some people are not able to heal without forgiving their abusers. Years ago, a friend told me that she was ashamed that she had forgiven the person who had been abusive to her. I hated hearing that, as there is no shame in such a thing. Everyone must honor their own path to wellness.
On a larger scale, I’m someone who believes forgiveness is a necessary step in creating a truly peaceful world. South African anti-apartheid and social rights activist Desmund Tutu said, “Without forgiveness, there’s no future.” I believe forgiveness is a vital component to ending conflict and war, but that’s my belief. It’s not a fact. Who knows what will get us there. I just hope we get there. Tutu’s instructions on reformative justice and accountability have been great teachers in my life, but not everyone will resonate with such paths.
I hope I’ve shared something here that is helpful, and just in case I haven’t I’ll leave you with some words by folks who have inspired me on this topic.
It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody. — Maya Angelou
True forgiveness is when you can say, ‘Thank you for that experience. — Oprah Winfrey
As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison. — Nelson Mandela
Take forgiveness slowly. Don’t blame yourself for being slow. Peace will come. — Yoko Ono
Let’s shake free this gravity of judgment, and fly high on the wings of forgiveness. — India.Arie
Love,
Spring Cleaned Andrea 🖤
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