Hi Wonders!
Last week, I revisited some words I wrote long long ago. I forgot I’d written them and want to share a few thoughts about what it’s like to return to this sentiment years later:
“Lately, I’ve been thinking about who I want to love, and how I want to love, and why I want to love the way I want to love, and what I need to learn to love that way, and who I need to become to become the kind of love I want to be…and when I break it all down, when I whittle it into a single breath, it essentially comes out like this: Before I die, I want to be somebody’s favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep it safe.”
It was wonderful for me to read this. Wonderful because this was a lifelong goal but one I wasn’t able to make happen at the time. Maybe other people live life thinking of themselves as an ever-safe heart space. But I was always conscious of the ways my heart struggled to fully open itself to love. Yes, I wanted to open. I wanted and wanted and wanted. But fear builds walls. I’d close the door to keep the storm out, which kept out the sun at the same time. Thank you, therapy. Thank you, healing. Thank you, perspective. Thank you, grace. Thank you, heart that didn’t stop believing it could get there. [Realizing this sounds a bit like that Alanis Morrisette song.]
Each night before bed I text myself notes recapping my learning from the day. I’ve done it for years. I read them in the morning so I can use them as building blocks for growth. In the middle of chemo I wrote: “Everything in the world is ruled by love, and the fear of losing love.” I don’t know if that’s true (I admittedly wrote it on a great deal of medical marijuana and I can’t claim to know how to handle marijuana of any kind). But it’s at least partially true. I know it is.
For me, learning how to love required me recognizing the gift of living. In doing that, I understood the universe really had to love me to make me. And how can I live not requiting that love with everyone I encounter now? My life isn’t free of challenges, but “thank you” is still my most common prayer. Thank you for this life. Thank you for the love that makes life, life. Thank you life, for teaching me how to love.
Love, Andrea 🖤
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📣 Add to the conversation: In what ways has love taught you to become more tender, more open? Share your thoughts in the comments