Hello Wonders!
Today I am sharing a short poem from my book PANSY, titled “Bit”. It’s a quiet poem and feels softer in its essence than much of what I write. I love it exactly for that. Reading it was like time traveling back to my childhood, the words turning into little movies in my mind’s eye. I could feel myself sitting in the blueberry fields near my home, staining my teeth blue with the sweetness of the wilderness. I could see the blueberry stains on my kneecaps. Blueberry stains mixing with grass stains. My body was nature’s canvas. My heart, full as my belly with all this beautiful earth has to offer.
There is a line in the poem that reads, “I miss running for my life through the cut grass.” There are very few things I remember more viscerally. My dad was the kind of dad who would drive around town making sure no one had a greener lawn than him. Sprinting across it was like running atop a velvet carpet. I would race from one side of the yard to the other, barefoot, moths and fireflies kissing my ankles as I flew. I was very much running for my life. In fact, I don’t recall ever being more alive. I may have to do it on my own lawn tonight. Though I have far more dandelions than velvet grass.
There is a moment in the poem where I say, “I miss believing in the same thing as everyone else.” When I first came out I recall feeling so very different from most of the people I knew growing up. And I, for a long time, related to that difference as a separation. These days I’m better at understanding the ways difference can be a beautiful bridge between people. Something that brings us closer. I spent so many years never being able to conceive of such a thing.
Near the end of the poem I write, “Every kid I knew wanted to grow up to be a star. I did too, but I was afraid of the dark where the stars lived.” I’ve always had a bit of a phobia of fame. Hollywood life looks generally unpleasant to me. What I value in this world feels like it would be harder to stay in touch with if there were flashing cameras around me at all times. I spent a long time thinking it would be a true challenge to not be perpetually guided by ego in that position. But a couple of years ago I heard an interview with George Harrrison (that I’m currently struggling to find) in which he said fame, like anything, can make you a better person or a worse one. Can bring you closer to yourself, or further away. I was quite moved by that sentiment. I, for example, had always assumed a cancer diagnosis would make my heart close. But it’s never been more open than it has been this year.
Thank you so very much for being here everyone!
Love & Grass Stains, Andrea 🖤
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📚 Andrea's bestselling book 'You Better Be Lightning'
📣 Add to the conversation: What memories make you time travel back to childhood? Share your thoughts in the comments