Hi friends!
Thank you thank you thank you for being here.
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Since I was diagnosed with cancer in July, I’ve been on a mission to see what I can make peace with that I’ve spent most of my life battling. I was on a walk one day near the creek by my house when I saw the perfect fallen branch for a slingshot. One I would have loved as a kid. Meg laughed as I carried the beast of a branch all the way back to the car, but I had a vision. From the branch I'd make a slingshot, and then I'd start collecting heart-shape rocks. The reason I did this was to stop picking and choosing where I aimed. I wanted to know how many “sucky” things I could make my heart’s target. What can I love that I haven’t loved before? Or at the very least, what ‘mostly out of my control’ life events do I have the capacity to stop raging against?
I started with the easy stuff. An overripe avocado–thank you for the lesson that there is such a thing as waiting too long to be ready. The beginner violinist next door—thank you for teaching my ears to become a prodigy of patience. A bad hair day–thank you for reminding me how wonderful it was to have not yet lost my hair. After that, I took it up a notch. Putting my foot in my mouth while meeting one of my heroes—thank you for the reminder that I’d prefer to spend my life warm, not cool.
Next I moved on to the internet trolls, who I can’t call trolls without feeling like one myself. I call them “internet tolls” as they have taken quite a toll on me at times, as I imagine they have with you. What I love about the tolls is they are often witty, brilliant, and impressively quick to the punch. Yes, the heartless punch, but still a good reminder that I’m a knockout. With some medical advances in the surgical field I do think we could get the hearts back into these people and they could become speed daters instead of speed haters. As it is now, all I have to do is think about responding and BAM they’re back with another geniusly meanie-pants comment. I think we culturally underestimate the intelligence of cruelty. But there is a difference between intelligence and wisdom. Thank you, internet tolls, for the confidence-building reminder of the ways I myself am not one bit smart.
What’s been fascinating about committing to this process is it’s actually easier for me to find gratitude for the hardest stuff as compared to the little nagging life events. I was really curious about that. Why would it be simpler to find something to love about a cancer diagnosis than a canker sore? What I realized is the big stuff brings with it an immediate sense of “Wow, the universe is really gonna do what it’s gonna do. The only place I have any power is in how I react.” Such realizations hit me quickly with most of the big stuff in my life now, but I can still quickly become a grumpy (yet charming) little troll if I get even the tiniest headache. Ask my partner and my closest friends and they will assure you I don’t only sweat the small stuff, I sob it too.
But here’s the thing—the small things are also largely out of my control. The avocado looked great from the outside. I would have never ever known it was gonna have such a rotten attitude until I cut it in half. My point—I have even less control than I thought. And the more I touch into that, the more my response is, “Welp–here we are again. Let’s see what I can like about this moody avocado.” It’s gonna be a stretch for most folks to believe, but these days, the more that tries to close my heart, the more my heart opens.
Now, a few necessary notes regarding all my points above:
This process can, from the outside, look like denial–trying to cover up very legit pain with the pretty wallpaper of positivity. Let me go on the official newsletter record and say I don’t believe in turning my head away from grief to find joy. I believe in looking closer at what hurts to also see what doesn’t. And doing this over a period of time has now made it so it is not work for me to find something I appreciate in almost every situation.
If a process like this is interesting to you, try it out. If you know it won’t be a helpful addition to your life, you know you best. I can only share what has helped me and it wouldn’t be one bit cool of me to say it will definitely help you. “You should do this” is a no-no for all of us. You may recall an earlier newsletter where I responded to the question:
Q: What’s the best advice you’ve ever given anyone?
A: Don’t listen to me.
Don’t listen to me ever, friends (unless what I’m saying makes your heart sing)
Not An Internet Troll, Andrea 🖤
PS. Please enjoy this video of me trolling internet trolls:
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