Awkwardness Is My New Drug of Choice

Embarrassment + excitement are similar sensations

Awkwardness is my new drug of choice. Nothing gets me higher than uncomfortable situations. I used to walk through the world following an Acceptability Script, doing everything I could to not embarrass myself. Forever on a mission to keep my face from turning red, I didn’t realize I was dulling the colors of my heart at the same time. Though I meditate regularly, I’m pretty certain the true path to enlightenment is committing to a life of awkward silences.

This year, I’ve taken to embarrassing myself on purpose. I’ve even managed to convince Meg to join me. There’s olympic-athlete gym equipment along the daily walk we go on. I dare Meg to climb all over it, falling down and cursing herself out as strangers pass by. Whoever’s face turns red the fastest, wins. Embarrassment and excitement are pretty similar sensations in the body. They are physically very hard to tell apart. It’s easy to embarrass myself. Know what that means? It’s easy to excite myself.

Years ago on tour in Europe, my friends and I dared our friend Katie to walk through a crowded travel plaza with a 20 foot strand of toilet paper dragging from her shoe, complaining loudly in a deep midwestern accent about how there was “No place in the world good as America.” She made a humiliating spectacle of herself. We were high on that embarrassment for days.

On that same trip we dared our friend Buddy to board the train with his pants full of carrots. Every few minutes he reached deep into his boxer briefs, pulled out a carrot, and acted utterly shocked to have discovered it. The entire train was watching this scene for a good 30 minutes. When Buddy pulled out the final carrot, he politely offered it to the passenger beside him as a snack. British people are so polite, “Oh, thank you, but no thank you,” said the man sincerely.

It’s quite difficult to look like a fool when looking like a fool is the look you’re going for.

This perspective is largely why a conversation that could have made me miserable the other day lifted my spirits to the moon instead. Meg and I were at a medical appointment where I was doing an IV to strengthen my immune system. It was a public setting, with other patients and practitioners in the room. A new staff member introduced himself. Here is the (public) conversation that went down:

New Guy: Nice to meet you, Andrea. And who is this you have with you?

Me: This is Meg.

New Guy: And is Meg your daughter?

Me: No. She’s my wife.

New Gug: Oh! My apologies! So sorry. When did you get married?

Me: She’s not actually my wife yet —we just got engaged.

New Guy: Oh OK, congratulations. Are you going to get married in Colorado?

Me. Probably. Listen, I feel compelled to tell you she’s 34. She just looks like a child.

New Guy: Well no problem. No problem at all. If you wanna know about me, well my wife just left me for a car cleaner. Can you imagine leaving someone like me for a car cleaner?

Me: I can’t.

New Guy: So can I ask why you’re here? Like, why do you need treatment?

Me: Ovarian cancer.

New Guy: Oh wow. Wow. Did they take them out?

Me: The ovaries?

New Guy: Yeah.

Me: Yes they took everything out. The whole shebang. I’ve got nothing but a heart in there now.

New Guy: Well, you’ve got lungs and a liver too. Ha ha.

Me: No, I don’t have those either. I just have one big heart occupying my entire torso. That’s all I got left.

New Guy: Oh, wow. Wow. Well, I just can’t get over that she’s left me for a car cleaner.

Me: That sounds really hard. I’m sorry. I’d bet something even more beautiful is coming your way soon? Do you think?

New Guy: That’s what I’m told. I’ve been talking to the guy upstairs about it. Anyway– sorry I thought she was your daughter.

Prior to this conversation, Meg and I had both been in grumpy moods. After this conversation it was as if we’d chugged 888 energy drinks each. I’m not saying such things fill me with joy every time, ya’ll, but it did on this day! Thank you for being here, everyone.

Love, Awkward Andrea 🖤