“Nothing special is such a massive relief!” I remember the first time I felt this. I was on a mountain, in a forest ecology class, learning about glacial time. I thought about glaciers flowing and realized how tiny my lifespan was in relation to that. It was such a relief!
The experience of the feeling of self falling away into oneness is one of several reasons I’ve added “we” to my pronouns (my phone dictation interpreted that as “one mess”, which is often also true!). Other reasons include the fact that after a bone marrow transplant for acute leukemia “my“ bone marrow is from a generous stranger in Germany, and I have at times delighted in the feeling of the trillions of cells in my body as tiny beings who all cooperate to create “me“. In Buddhist terms this is called interdependence, and Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh called it interbeing. It’s interesting to hold this knowing in the context of day-to-day life where I have to identify as “I“ to exist in our hyper individualistic culture. It’s like living on more than one level of existence at the same time. And I certainly spend plenty of time on Adrienne Island, seeking comfort and avoiding discomfort like everyone else! My aspiration is to shift the balance toward “we” as much as possible.
I have a dear friend who is recovering from acute Leukemia and she also had a bone marrow donated from a kind generous stranger from Germany... So odd. So We. So amazing the humane ness we Humans can have when We move from life affirming intentions.. Blessings to you Adrienne...
Your reflections on interconnectedness and the idea of "we" are incredibly profound. Do you find that embracing this concept of interdependence brings you more peace in navigating everyday challenges?
Wow. These descriptions are so cool and your own “identity” being mixed with another “strangers” with the bone marrow is such a cool way of thinking about us on a human level. I look at my children and know I am “seeing” my dead Dad, or my husbands GG. But if I could look at them and see the grumpy man in the grocery store maybe I would be more compassionate all around. Very cool. Thanks for sharing
"even a big heart can get lost in the canyon of an old wound."
My current relationship with self love is lost in the canyon of an old wound. I love this image. I am this image.
I know somewhere in my past I have met with self love as you have described it here, but I cannot see it from where I am at just now. So I Be Here, trusting that Self Love will shine my way through.
I’ve neve felt so lost and disconnected from myself as I am right now. I don’t even recognize the free spirited, loving, optimistic, full of laughter, person I’ve been for most of my life. I’m searching for this self-love that I’ve somehow lost along the way. My self love has turned into the need of validation from others showing me and confirming to me that I’m this “great person” still. Why can’t I grant myself the same affirmation. Where have I gone? It’s like I don’t trust myself anymore. I don’t know who I am. Reading these posts and comments really help not feel so alone. So thank you to everybody♥️
What I found out...When I TRULY make someone feel relevant by taking time with them, listening to them and honestly sharing with them, THAT is when I come alive and LOVE me and everything around me. This oftentimes happens with strangers. Let's face it. We all just want to be SEEN. And if I can help someone be SEEN, I am full of all that is good. And I just talk to them like you already know 'em! This is my magic trick.
Yes to this happening with strangers. Possibly because they see you/us with fresh eyes and new excitement. And we are reminded that simply being alive is the greatest joy ever.
you are not alone and love knows you and loves you unconditionally regardless of your current ability to feel a certain way - how wonderful that you are loved for all time and without exception!
I feel like I withhold from sending out the love everywhere, because it also means I understand the suffering. I think I've been trying to avoid the suffering in myself and others. But then I miss out on the love.
I found that the source of most of my judgements of others was based in a similar fear — that if I accepted them without judgment, then that means “bad” things can happen to — or be done by — people just like me. If I can’t judge them to have brought misfortune upon themselves, then I do not have protection from misfortune. Judging gave me an illusion of safety. Care and no judgement broke that illusion and made me face my vulnerability and the vulnerability of everyone and everything I love. It opened a door to an entirely new level of awe and gratitude. And, as cheesy as it sounds, I get real safety, which for me means trusting that I can handle anything that comes my way, and part of that trust in myself comes from seeing others handle things.
Suffering helps relate to the world in a truthful way. Accepting it without judgement builds compassion in our hearts. Which is one of the highest acts of self love. The world needs your love, and you deserved to be loved.
I have been on a decades long climb of self-forgiveness on my way out of the canyon of self-hatred, self-loathing and self-sabotage. A vision of self-love came through a particularly powerful sacred medicine journey recently and how you describe it is exactly how it felt in my body. Thank you for helping me see the universality of this experience. Once again, your words cracked my heart open and had tears streaming down my face. 🙏❤️🔥✨
I resonate with your view about how we place such a premium on self love without understanding how simple it is as a feeling of acceptance of oneself for just who we are. It is simple but most hurting runs deep because we are trying to love ourselves in ways that don't heal wounds but just fill gaps and holes.
We're habituated to look for what's special. Whatever this is, this is not it. But there is another frame of reference where everything is it. All is equal in being or existence. Every single ordinary thing is a wonder from this perspective. And what we call self-love is resting in this reality, the one that is happening. There is no need to separate out, no need to be extraordinary, no need to justify one's existence--just simple wholeness--where everything belongs.
The most powerful experience of loving myself occurred when l surrendered to my pain-body, that’s physical and emotional pain, and took a deep dive embrace into all of it at once. Resistance to pain makes it unbearable. Denial perpetuates.
What l resist persists.
Embrace. Surrender.
It became a back door way of loving myself.
These pure, non-dualistic two letter words, as put forth by Pema Chodron, says it all for me:
As it is.
Relax as it is.
We can stop struggling with what occurs and see its true face without calling it the enemy. It helps to remember that our spiritual practice is not about accomplishing anything
~~ not about winning or losing ~~
but about ceasing to struggle and relaxing as it is. That is what we are doing when we sit down to meditate.
This is very beautiful and very familiar. I had a series of dreams in my late teens/early 20’s that varied in detail but all culminated in a moment of what I can only describe as emotional ecstasy…so forceful it would wake me. The last time I had such a dream, I woke with a profound and unshakable certainty that this is what happens when we die: being collected back into the loving force of the Universe, and filled beyond imagining, with a kind of profound joy and the comfort of going home. And…what a gift to be able to access this belonging and this love, with life still ahead.
I have shared your poetry and your random wisdom with many friends in need of comfort, hope or inspiration. You will never know how many lives your words have touched, improved…perhaps saved. Love being in the world with you.
"When I am feeling what we call self-love, I feel the self fall away, and the love is not aimed at an Andrea-shaped target, but instead it is pointing everywhere, in every direction, at the whole of us, the collective, of which I am a part. In fact, only when I am experiencing this love does my sense of being separate from others reveal itself to be an illusion."
One of the wildest fruits of sobriety has been to embrace Love as my higher power...despite the religious harm and trauma inflicted and endured by my family of origin. I am working hard on healing...and releasing...and yet, I do not and have not confused Love with any of that...I know it is separate. It is the messy humanness that tends to complicate and cloud what is actually pure and tender and right there...and always has been. It has to be a power greater than me because it creates a sense of compassion in me that doesn't seem logical.
Wow Andrea, THIS. This is exactly what I am beginning to notice right now in myself. I have gotten in the habit of diving into the deepest caverns of my self to eradicate anything that isn’t serving me and I have spend a couple decades in the excavation process. It has become obvious to me recently that this excavation is anything less than A distraction to hide myself from actually loving myself and others but actually a disguised perfectionist trying to rid myself of flaws, ( constantly disappointed). What I thought was be being good at sensing my Self and connecting inward, is actaully revealing itself to be a habit of going down a rabbit hole that doesn’t have a bottom, leads to feeling bad about myself and prevents me from spending my time loving myself and including myself in the universal love that is right here in front of me.
I am realizing my attention needs to do a 180 and focus my love outward where I am then included in being the arms of love that both wrap around me and the world Around me that I touch. Thank you for putting into words your exact experience that helps guide me on my growth road map. I easily can get lost!!!💗💗
Thank you for this reminder. I also have this history/habit. And I'm also a perfectionist in other areas of my life, so it makes sense (what a subtle but powerful lightbulb moment, thanks twice! lol)
My control response to trauma was the most unloving set of spinning thoughts in a completely disembodied existence; self love?! self compassion?!….I didn’t even know these existed, let alone know a set of vocabulary I could used toward myself.
I’ve been able to interrupt the pathway after 46 years, caught it and am fighting against the old pathways; self compassion is the most beautiful place to live; to truly see yourself and be so proud of getting to this moment.
Yes. I too have grown more to understand self-love as Self-love with ‘Self’ meaning that unified oneness we can all tap into when we’re paying attention or allow ourselves to receive from the world. This also makes me think of your gorgeous wasp sting story I happened to watch the other day—that level of openness, of connectedness.
whoa. "...the love is not aimed at an Andrea-shaped target, but instead it is pointing everywhere, in every direction, at the whole of us, the collective, of which I am a part." ***Self-Love***
“Nothing special is such a massive relief!” I remember the first time I felt this. I was on a mountain, in a forest ecology class, learning about glacial time. I thought about glaciers flowing and realized how tiny my lifespan was in relation to that. It was such a relief!
The experience of the feeling of self falling away into oneness is one of several reasons I’ve added “we” to my pronouns (my phone dictation interpreted that as “one mess”, which is often also true!). Other reasons include the fact that after a bone marrow transplant for acute leukemia “my“ bone marrow is from a generous stranger in Germany, and I have at times delighted in the feeling of the trillions of cells in my body as tiny beings who all cooperate to create “me“. In Buddhist terms this is called interdependence, and Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh called it interbeing. It’s interesting to hold this knowing in the context of day-to-day life where I have to identify as “I“ to exist in our hyper individualistic culture. It’s like living on more than one level of existence at the same time. And I certainly spend plenty of time on Adrienne Island, seeking comfort and avoiding discomfort like everyone else! My aspiration is to shift the balance toward “we” as much as possible.
I have a dear friend who is recovering from acute Leukemia and she also had a bone marrow donated from a kind generous stranger from Germany... So odd. So We. So amazing the humane ness we Humans can have when We move from life affirming intentions.. Blessings to you Adrienne...
Such a lovely share. I am moved by the interbeing of your "we" and the reminder of our interdependence. Thank you.
Agreed, Mia.
Adrienne!
Your reflections on interconnectedness and the idea of "we" are incredibly profound. Do you find that embracing this concept of interdependence brings you more peace in navigating everyday challenges?
Absolutely ❤️
Beautiful share. Thank you.
Building the we.
Wow. These descriptions are so cool and your own “identity” being mixed with another “strangers” with the bone marrow is such a cool way of thinking about us on a human level. I look at my children and know I am “seeing” my dead Dad, or my husbands GG. But if I could look at them and see the grumpy man in the grocery store maybe I would be more compassionate all around. Very cool. Thanks for sharing
"even a big heart can get lost in the canyon of an old wound."
My current relationship with self love is lost in the canyon of an old wound. I love this image. I am this image.
I know somewhere in my past I have met with self love as you have described it here, but I cannot see it from where I am at just now. So I Be Here, trusting that Self Love will shine my way through.
Thank you for this. 🙏🏻
I’ve neve felt so lost and disconnected from myself as I am right now. I don’t even recognize the free spirited, loving, optimistic, full of laughter, person I’ve been for most of my life. I’m searching for this self-love that I’ve somehow lost along the way. My self love has turned into the need of validation from others showing me and confirming to me that I’m this “great person” still. Why can’t I grant myself the same affirmation. Where have I gone? It’s like I don’t trust myself anymore. I don’t know who I am. Reading these posts and comments really help not feel so alone. So thank you to everybody♥️
Thank you for sharing. If it helps, I was in the exact place you are describing right before my first experience of self love. ❤️
What I found out...When I TRULY make someone feel relevant by taking time with them, listening to them and honestly sharing with them, THAT is when I come alive and LOVE me and everything around me. This oftentimes happens with strangers. Let's face it. We all just want to be SEEN. And if I can help someone be SEEN, I am full of all that is good. And I just talk to them like you already know 'em! This is my magic trick.
I completely agree :) thank you for your words, Mary💛
Yes to this happening with strangers. Possibly because they see you/us with fresh eyes and new excitement. And we are reminded that simply being alive is the greatest joy ever.
you are not alone and love knows you and loves you unconditionally regardless of your current ability to feel a certain way - how wonderful that you are loved for all time and without exception!
❤️
You are exactly where you are supposed to be.
love, loves you
I feel like I withhold from sending out the love everywhere, because it also means I understand the suffering. I think I've been trying to avoid the suffering in myself and others. But then I miss out on the love.
I found that the source of most of my judgements of others was based in a similar fear — that if I accepted them without judgment, then that means “bad” things can happen to — or be done by — people just like me. If I can’t judge them to have brought misfortune upon themselves, then I do not have protection from misfortune. Judging gave me an illusion of safety. Care and no judgement broke that illusion and made me face my vulnerability and the vulnerability of everyone and everything I love. It opened a door to an entirely new level of awe and gratitude. And, as cheesy as it sounds, I get real safety, which for me means trusting that I can handle anything that comes my way, and part of that trust in myself comes from seeing others handle things.
Beautiful
I have so much coming up for me around safety right now and how I cultivate it for myself. I needed to hear this! Thank you!
Suffering helps relate to the world in a truthful way. Accepting it without judgement builds compassion in our hearts. Which is one of the highest acts of self love. The world needs your love, and you deserved to be loved.
Thank you for this. Suffering -> Truth -> Compassion -> Love
Love that! Seems so simple, yet it’s the most difficult thing to do ever
❤️
I have been on a decades long climb of self-forgiveness on my way out of the canyon of self-hatred, self-loathing and self-sabotage. A vision of self-love came through a particularly powerful sacred medicine journey recently and how you describe it is exactly how it felt in my body. Thank you for helping me see the universality of this experience. Once again, your words cracked my heart open and had tears streaming down my face. 🙏❤️🔥✨
❤️
I resonate with your view about how we place such a premium on self love without understanding how simple it is as a feeling of acceptance of oneself for just who we are. It is simple but most hurting runs deep because we are trying to love ourselves in ways that don't heal wounds but just fill gaps and holes.
❤️
We're habituated to look for what's special. Whatever this is, this is not it. But there is another frame of reference where everything is it. All is equal in being or existence. Every single ordinary thing is a wonder from this perspective. And what we call self-love is resting in this reality, the one that is happening. There is no need to separate out, no need to be extraordinary, no need to justify one's existence--just simple wholeness--where everything belongs.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
Your response really resonates with me. ♡
You knocked it outa the park here Andrea.
The most powerful experience of loving myself occurred when l surrendered to my pain-body, that’s physical and emotional pain, and took a deep dive embrace into all of it at once. Resistance to pain makes it unbearable. Denial perpetuates.
What l resist persists.
Embrace. Surrender.
It became a back door way of loving myself.
These pure, non-dualistic two letter words, as put forth by Pema Chodron, says it all for me:
As it is.
Relax as it is.
We can stop struggling with what occurs and see its true face without calling it the enemy. It helps to remember that our spiritual practice is not about accomplishing anything
~~ not about winning or losing ~~
but about ceasing to struggle and relaxing as it is. That is what we are doing when we sit down to meditate.
That attitude spreads into the rest of our lives.
Pema
Only Love
💜
!
Thank you so much for this beauty
This is very beautiful and very familiar. I had a series of dreams in my late teens/early 20’s that varied in detail but all culminated in a moment of what I can only describe as emotional ecstasy…so forceful it would wake me. The last time I had such a dream, I woke with a profound and unshakable certainty that this is what happens when we die: being collected back into the loving force of the Universe, and filled beyond imagining, with a kind of profound joy and the comfort of going home. And…what a gift to be able to access this belonging and this love, with life still ahead.
Thank you, as always. ❤️
Thank you for this. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I have shared your poetry and your random wisdom with many friends in need of comfort, hope or inspiration. You will never know how many lives your words have touched, improved…perhaps saved. Love being in the world with you.
When I saw the title of this bouquet my first reaction was being spooked out by the accuracy of receiving it just now, on such a mentally grey day.
How do we grow like trees? How do we love like trees?! With open branches to the air around maybe.
Thank you for the breath that came through with these words Andrea!
❤️❤️❤️❤️
"When I am feeling what we call self-love, I feel the self fall away, and the love is not aimed at an Andrea-shaped target, but instead it is pointing everywhere, in every direction, at the whole of us, the collective, of which I am a part. In fact, only when I am experiencing this love does my sense of being separate from others reveal itself to be an illusion."
One of the wildest fruits of sobriety has been to embrace Love as my higher power...despite the religious harm and trauma inflicted and endured by my family of origin. I am working hard on healing...and releasing...and yet, I do not and have not confused Love with any of that...I know it is separate. It is the messy humanness that tends to complicate and cloud what is actually pure and tender and right there...and always has been. It has to be a power greater than me because it creates a sense of compassion in me that doesn't seem logical.
❤️❤️❤️
Beautifully said, Faith.
Wow Andrea, THIS. This is exactly what I am beginning to notice right now in myself. I have gotten in the habit of diving into the deepest caverns of my self to eradicate anything that isn’t serving me and I have spend a couple decades in the excavation process. It has become obvious to me recently that this excavation is anything less than A distraction to hide myself from actually loving myself and others but actually a disguised perfectionist trying to rid myself of flaws, ( constantly disappointed). What I thought was be being good at sensing my Self and connecting inward, is actaully revealing itself to be a habit of going down a rabbit hole that doesn’t have a bottom, leads to feeling bad about myself and prevents me from spending my time loving myself and including myself in the universal love that is right here in front of me.
I am realizing my attention needs to do a 180 and focus my love outward where I am then included in being the arms of love that both wrap around me and the world Around me that I touch. Thank you for putting into words your exact experience that helps guide me on my growth road map. I easily can get lost!!!💗💗
❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for this reminder. I also have this history/habit. And I'm also a perfectionist in other areas of my life, so it makes sense (what a subtle but powerful lightbulb moment, thanks twice! lol)
My control response to trauma was the most unloving set of spinning thoughts in a completely disembodied existence; self love?! self compassion?!….I didn’t even know these existed, let alone know a set of vocabulary I could used toward myself.
I’ve been able to interrupt the pathway after 46 years, caught it and am fighting against the old pathways; self compassion is the most beautiful place to live; to truly see yourself and be so proud of getting to this moment.
I love this.
You write so beautifully Andrea. Every time I think I’ve made progress on the path, I read something that makes me go deeper. Thank you.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
Yes. I too have grown more to understand self-love as Self-love with ‘Self’ meaning that unified oneness we can all tap into when we’re paying attention or allow ourselves to receive from the world. This also makes me think of your gorgeous wasp sting story I happened to watch the other day—that level of openness, of connectedness.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
Where was the wasp-sting story? I’m not finding it on a web search.
Here is a link!! 💛 https://www.instagram.com/reel/C9h63QnuSH0/?igsh=YXB1dWh6M3E2aWps
whoa. "...the love is not aimed at an Andrea-shaped target, but instead it is pointing everywhere, in every direction, at the whole of us, the collective, of which I am a part." ***Self-Love***
Only has this truth started to land in my bones. Yes, yes, thank you for making the invisible, visible.