Thank you as always for your vulnerability and honesty and starry love.
Freedom makes me think of Dolly Parton's (?) quote "Find out who you are and do it on purpose." Others have commented how we are so weird as children, and then shrink into normalcy through adolescence and early adulthood before, sometimes, leaning back into the weirdness *on purpose*. With each new gray hair I see another glimpse of a wacky crone peeking through my personality, and my god, but I love her.
Imagining myself wildly free has morphed over the years. Today, it's being financially stable. It's being free of an abusive ex. It's having my adult offspring nearby, AND having solid relationships with the people they became. It's knowing that creating and maintaining a distance from those in my birth family who caused pain (and continue to do so even with the knowledge they are causing pain) is the best way to protect my heart and my peace. It's being able to laugh with friends I've not spoken to in weeks, spending over 4 hours on the phone talking like we just saw each other last night. It's loving and being loved by someone I've known for 36 years, who accepts me as I am, who encourages me, and even (kindly) prods me into taking chances I didn't think I could manage.
I used to think wildly free meant nothing tying me down, traveling from place to place, and few worldly possessions to burden me. Today, I know for certain my definition of wildly free is being surrounded by love, friendship, and dogs in one home, surrounded by books and objects that remind me of the things I love.
I’m contemplating these questions not directly from a mortality place right now (both a privilege and a delusion I suppose) but very much relationally. From the space of one month post breakup. From separation a connection in which I very much wanted to play the very long game, but in which I found myself once again diminishing myself for love. Becoming smaller in order to stay.
I’ve seen myself, again and again, choose the mason jar because it felt like what was needed in order not to lose the love. I don’t realize it. I don’t name it at the time. But I do it again and again. And every time I do I have ultimately, at least for a time, lost myself.
When you ask what feels most free- what I think of is times and spaces in my life when I’ve been unpartnered. But what I deeply want to learn, with all of my almost 50 year old heart, is how to choose a relationship in which I never fly into the mason jar in the first place. A relationship in which I am - we are - so entirely all of ourselves that we would never allow anything but that.
Dec 2, 2022·edited Dec 2, 2022Liked by Andrea Gibson
Oh boy, did this one hit me. I don't have the courage to say why - yet I feel compelled to say something. I read your words and just feel ... like I wish I could be brave enough to close my eyes, spread my wings and fly right now. What is it about this idea that feels so impossible? Like, my life - with its "have-tos" and "decisions I made 20 years ago prevent me from being the me I am today" ness - why does this keep me from flying? Anyway, thank you for once again sharing your incredible way of speaking your truth. It inspires me and keeps me thinking. I'll never look at the stars the same way again.
I almost died during the birth of my first child. My death was filled with regret, fear and shame. It felt like descending into hell. I was dying before I had even begun, despite being 36 years old. Ever since then, I've done nothing but unfold, unravel, open up, and swim in the ever-changing currents of existence. I came out as ace and queer and as a neurodivergent trans man. There is no script for this, and I love it. I create meaning everywhere, I am dripping with it. Although in retrospect, my previous life built me up towards this one, I had no idea that I was going anywhere - I felt nothing and had no direction. Freedom is being able to feel my own existence and truly be awake for the first time.
I really appreciate you bringing fireflies into your reflections. I'm reading "Advice on Dying" by the Dalai Lama and he talks of fireflies being one of the 8 stages of dying- after mirage and smoke. It's a fascinating read and fireflies are the only beings that are named within the stages. Cheers to moving beyond the limited possibilities of our own minds to realms of endless possibilities. <3
You blew the lid off our worlds with this wise post. I will read it again and again. May God bless you with continuing strength and insights, and transform the awe you generate in others into healing energy to rejuvenate you.
Being wildly free, for me, is being outside in nature, feeling my feet on the ground as I walk, watching the birds. It is also keeping no secrets from myself, no part of my psyche being off-limits.
I don’t know if this is your thing, Andrea, but have you ever watched the show The OA? It’s about a group of people who’ve had near-death experiences and are then kidnapped by a mad scientist who realizes they can access some sort of other realm. The following seasons are the aftermath of that, and the idea of living your life again when you thought it was already over - and the kinds of “lost” people who are drawn the mysterious lead character, played by writer and co-creator Brit Marling. Anyway, this post just made me think of that!
Wildly free to me is looking back on my life and celebrating the chances I took that did work in my life versus fixating on what didn’t. It’s forgiving myself for being a flawed human while recognizing and appreciating that everyone is in the same boat as me. Life may be messy, but it’s still beautiful. While there are dark spots and heartbreak along the way, our greatest strength as humans is that those moments don’t have to define us or our future.
Love this piece! I too am a little obsessed with stories of near-death experiences. Some of my friends say it's morbid, but I find something comforting in thinking that death could be the easiest, most freeing, most important thing we could ever do in this life. I'm so inspired by stories of people who get a glimpse of the other side and then choose to completely change how they live in this reality. I want to be that person. I want to walk through life knowing fully how temporary it is, choosing to cherish each moment in spite (or maybe even because) of that knowledge. That sounds like peace to me.
Most days I am not that person. Far from it. But in fleeting moments I might be. Making and experiencing art definitely helps me become that person. As does an occasional potent dose of mind-altering substances. Convening with our more-than-human siblings can works wonders as well. But right now I mostly need love and community. When I am present, and I mean actually present, with those I hold close, it really makes this life feel real and special, like I could die tomorrow and not regret today. Trying to lean into that more. It's a work in a progress. Thank you for the reminder today, I needed it <3
“Are the stars holes in the lid? Is life itself a kind of mason jar? If so, is death itself freedom”
When I was a child I used to look up at the stars at night and think we were in a shoebox with holes poked in the top. I didn’t know for sure who was the keeper of the box but I kind of decided it must be God, or someone from a much larger universe. So I guess I was a firefly too. Anyhow, thank you for this today. Hugs
Peace, True Peace of Mind. That's what comes to my mind. There's a saying in the halls of AA... " you're right where you're supposed to be". Hmmm, I don't believe that I am today. I think I've made some really poor judgement calls, emphasis being on judgement. Mine born of a situation with contempt prior to investigation. Perfect recipe for spiritual chaos. Those two words really don't seem as if they should go together. Spiritual Chaos = Spiritual Bankruptcy eventually I suppose. Sigh. A trudging I will go.
I loved the do you suppose there's a mason jar lid on the sky and the stars we see are the holes poked through the mason jar. So good. Horton hears a Who is a favorite of mine. Helps me to keep my uniqueness thinking at a minimum. We are all stars made up of star dust.
Really gonna try not to take myself so GD seriously or everything and everyone that I am100% powerless over. I have to remind myself daily that the only thing I have any damn power over is my attitude.
In the arms of my lover’s embrace ; I am free of the world because it doesn’t exist, only my lover in that moment, inside the Mason jar is the universe. Free to be vulnerable❤️
Thank you as always for your vulnerability and honesty and starry love.
Freedom makes me think of Dolly Parton's (?) quote "Find out who you are and do it on purpose." Others have commented how we are so weird as children, and then shrink into normalcy through adolescence and early adulthood before, sometimes, leaning back into the weirdness *on purpose*. With each new gray hair I see another glimpse of a wacky crone peeking through my personality, and my god, but I love her.
Imagining myself wildly free has morphed over the years. Today, it's being financially stable. It's being free of an abusive ex. It's having my adult offspring nearby, AND having solid relationships with the people they became. It's knowing that creating and maintaining a distance from those in my birth family who caused pain (and continue to do so even with the knowledge they are causing pain) is the best way to protect my heart and my peace. It's being able to laugh with friends I've not spoken to in weeks, spending over 4 hours on the phone talking like we just saw each other last night. It's loving and being loved by someone I've known for 36 years, who accepts me as I am, who encourages me, and even (kindly) prods me into taking chances I didn't think I could manage.
I used to think wildly free meant nothing tying me down, traveling from place to place, and few worldly possessions to burden me. Today, I know for certain my definition of wildly free is being surrounded by love, friendship, and dogs in one home, surrounded by books and objects that remind me of the things I love.
I’m contemplating these questions not directly from a mortality place right now (both a privilege and a delusion I suppose) but very much relationally. From the space of one month post breakup. From separation a connection in which I very much wanted to play the very long game, but in which I found myself once again diminishing myself for love. Becoming smaller in order to stay.
I’ve seen myself, again and again, choose the mason jar because it felt like what was needed in order not to lose the love. I don’t realize it. I don’t name it at the time. But I do it again and again. And every time I do I have ultimately, at least for a time, lost myself.
When you ask what feels most free- what I think of is times and spaces in my life when I’ve been unpartnered. But what I deeply want to learn, with all of my almost 50 year old heart, is how to choose a relationship in which I never fly into the mason jar in the first place. A relationship in which I am - we are - so entirely all of ourselves that we would never allow anything but that.
Oh boy, did this one hit me. I don't have the courage to say why - yet I feel compelled to say something. I read your words and just feel ... like I wish I could be brave enough to close my eyes, spread my wings and fly right now. What is it about this idea that feels so impossible? Like, my life - with its "have-tos" and "decisions I made 20 years ago prevent me from being the me I am today" ness - why does this keep me from flying? Anyway, thank you for once again sharing your incredible way of speaking your truth. It inspires me and keeps me thinking. I'll never look at the stars the same way again.
Freedom looks like not being afraid to be alone. Learning that I love myself enough to be enough.
I almost died during the birth of my first child. My death was filled with regret, fear and shame. It felt like descending into hell. I was dying before I had even begun, despite being 36 years old. Ever since then, I've done nothing but unfold, unravel, open up, and swim in the ever-changing currents of existence. I came out as ace and queer and as a neurodivergent trans man. There is no script for this, and I love it. I create meaning everywhere, I am dripping with it. Although in retrospect, my previous life built me up towards this one, I had no idea that I was going anywhere - I felt nothing and had no direction. Freedom is being able to feel my own existence and truly be awake for the first time.
I really appreciate you bringing fireflies into your reflections. I'm reading "Advice on Dying" by the Dalai Lama and he talks of fireflies being one of the 8 stages of dying- after mirage and smoke. It's a fascinating read and fireflies are the only beings that are named within the stages. Cheers to moving beyond the limited possibilities of our own minds to realms of endless possibilities. <3
You blew the lid off our worlds with this wise post. I will read it again and again. May God bless you with continuing strength and insights, and transform the awe you generate in others into healing energy to rejuvenate you.
Being wildly free, for me, is being outside in nature, feeling my feet on the ground as I walk, watching the birds. It is also keeping no secrets from myself, no part of my psyche being off-limits.
I don’t know if this is your thing, Andrea, but have you ever watched the show The OA? It’s about a group of people who’ve had near-death experiences and are then kidnapped by a mad scientist who realizes they can access some sort of other realm. The following seasons are the aftermath of that, and the idea of living your life again when you thought it was already over - and the kinds of “lost” people who are drawn the mysterious lead character, played by writer and co-creator Brit Marling. Anyway, this post just made me think of that!
Entirely free me = stardust and breath and all the space in between 💖
Wildly free to me is looking back on my life and celebrating the chances I took that did work in my life versus fixating on what didn’t. It’s forgiving myself for being a flawed human while recognizing and appreciating that everyone is in the same boat as me. Life may be messy, but it’s still beautiful. While there are dark spots and heartbreak along the way, our greatest strength as humans is that those moments don’t have to define us or our future.
Love this piece! I too am a little obsessed with stories of near-death experiences. Some of my friends say it's morbid, but I find something comforting in thinking that death could be the easiest, most freeing, most important thing we could ever do in this life. I'm so inspired by stories of people who get a glimpse of the other side and then choose to completely change how they live in this reality. I want to be that person. I want to walk through life knowing fully how temporary it is, choosing to cherish each moment in spite (or maybe even because) of that knowledge. That sounds like peace to me.
Most days I am not that person. Far from it. But in fleeting moments I might be. Making and experiencing art definitely helps me become that person. As does an occasional potent dose of mind-altering substances. Convening with our more-than-human siblings can works wonders as well. But right now I mostly need love and community. When I am present, and I mean actually present, with those I hold close, it really makes this life feel real and special, like I could die tomorrow and not regret today. Trying to lean into that more. It's a work in a progress. Thank you for the reminder today, I needed it <3
“Are the stars holes in the lid? Is life itself a kind of mason jar? If so, is death itself freedom”
When I was a child I used to look up at the stars at night and think we were in a shoebox with holes poked in the top. I didn’t know for sure who was the keeper of the box but I kind of decided it must be God, or someone from a much larger universe. So I guess I was a firefly too. Anyhow, thank you for this today. Hugs
Peace, True Peace of Mind. That's what comes to my mind. There's a saying in the halls of AA... " you're right where you're supposed to be". Hmmm, I don't believe that I am today. I think I've made some really poor judgement calls, emphasis being on judgement. Mine born of a situation with contempt prior to investigation. Perfect recipe for spiritual chaos. Those two words really don't seem as if they should go together. Spiritual Chaos = Spiritual Bankruptcy eventually I suppose. Sigh. A trudging I will go.
I loved the do you suppose there's a mason jar lid on the sky and the stars we see are the holes poked through the mason jar. So good. Horton hears a Who is a favorite of mine. Helps me to keep my uniqueness thinking at a minimum. We are all stars made up of star dust.
Really gonna try not to take myself so GD seriously or everything and everyone that I am100% powerless over. I have to remind myself daily that the only thing I have any damn power over is my attitude.
Onward. Peace2u's
In the arms of my lover’s embrace ; I am free of the world because it doesn’t exist, only my lover in that moment, inside the Mason jar is the universe. Free to be vulnerable❤️