Knowing that people are trying their best reminds me to listen to the pain behind their anger. I cooked for a year at an assisted/independent living facility. The people who had the most complaints about their cooking were the ones who often cried when I would take the knee and listen. They were vulnerable, in a big change in their life, they feared they were going to die in a facility, and they just needed to see that someone cared about them. The thing that brings my heart the most contentment about that year is the huge hole in the knee of the pants I wore to work.
I have spent a good chunk of my career working with older adults in institutional settings. That hole in the knee of your pants should never ever be underestimated.
"Longterm care facilities"...as if this is a more gentle, more human term for "Nursing Home,"...regardless, the most grounding connection to a time bomb of a time-clock...no timecard punched could take away the regret I watch-cloud over so many humans in my nursing career...just, waiting for their time to come. Empty of hope.
Of love.
Of honor.
Of dignity.
Of worth.
As if all the life they had lived just evaporated into the thin, last breaths breathing...and even they "wished these breaths gone to save burden on society."
The number of people I've told, that they aren't done yet, that they have purpose here yet still... no mater how small they feel this may be, is for what? A sell out to some schmo on a living human beings "spend-down" account???
π nauseous.
...
Here, in the belly of a nursing home capitalized and gaining on the "spend-downs" ive whitnessed in this bs capitalist friggan systemπ. Here in America, the land of the free, of opportunity they say...
We raise our children "strong and independent" on formula, cribs and crying themselves to sleep"
We strive for independent educations..."believe in your dreams, they say at 18, sign this dotted line, we'll cover ya!"
(I dont know about you'all, but Im still paying for it and I just turned 40)π€¦π»ββοΈ
We strive for independent households...parents workin their kiesters off to pay for a seperate house, utilities, earnings...etc, recreating the wheel while our parents are "empty-nesting"
...
If were lucky to make it to retirement, maybe we have a few good years. We strive for connection, fullfillment, purpose...
...
I feel, extremely heavy hearted by the number of patients I see on the daily, that tell me the system is fucked. They got it wrong. They didnt spend enough time and attention on their family, the things that "actually matter," their purpose.
...
I am stuck here too...the "sandwich generation"
I suppose I am here within. Isn't this though, how we all used to care for, love and support our elders, our children our brothers and sisters?? A foot-long stuffed full of all the fixins? All complimenting eachother and feeding the whole unit, together. Family. The whole unit under one mortgage that everyone contributed to...and the elder/child care. And the lawn/snow/garbage removal. And the upkeep on the property. And the paperwork...everyone worked together under one roof and got it done yeah? Am I disillusioned in thinking this way?
...before us all fighting for the
Exact. Same. Thing.
Alone, in seperate homes all to ourselves that we are all grossly over our heads in debt over? Quadrupling the pollution and human foot print factor?...What the "F" are we fighting so hard for?
...
I am also a pawn in this game. My soon to be father- in -law, (the father of my best friend for over 20 years, whom Ive known and loved at least this long,) was seemingly healthy last November. When my partner and I went to visit him for his birthday, he was "off." He deterioriated fast (within hours) and when he was diagnosed with meningitis at a local community hospital that evening, he was quickly transported out to a higher level hospital, later intubated, had multiple strokes and now almost a year later...with all the "failed physical therapy" ...
"failed voiding trials"...
"failure. to. thrive..."
...
Our dad is stuck in a torture chamber. He is in a nursing home, calling us multiple times a day disclosing his coordinates for us to safely extract him from his unit that has been taken captive...
Because his wife (just had hip surgery 2 weeks ago), is unable to support his needs at home, their son, the love of my whole world, is tasked with going home. We had been jointly raising our teenage son and our 6 year old daughter here in Vermont, taking breaks to go be with his parents for the past year.
...
Our fight, my partner and I, is that we divide and conquer. He can't keep a working schedule, so quit his job (now, my man, a newly trans man and for f-sake, going home after 20+ years away... making his case for this human experience to all the home town locals about all of it and answering to the snarky "oh, so you don't work??" Is, as one can imagine...demoralizing and humiliating.
I can't imagine the strength in psyche he holds for unconditional love for what is important. His "work" in managing his parents appointments, going to see dad most every day at the nursing home, their house upkeep, yard work, snow and garbage removal...and yes, the mountains and mountains of paperwork... 6 hours west of our little home here in VT, helping to raise our teenage son and daughter from phone calls and group chats...is not only a strain on our personal existence...but its more than I feel our society is built to handle. The most interesting conversations happen...when we attempt to explain our love for one another...and how we both wish we could do so much more. I cant help but wonder how much easier, more freeing and aligned this would all be, if we were all in the same place. Taking turns, giving respite, solice and comfort in way of potluck-style, "grab the guitar jr, and play me an ol one", free form multigenerational dance along-side our elders AND our children...our greatest teachers.
...
Thank you for sharing. Youve inspired me tremendously with your post. Ive needed this exact space to spill out onto a page. In a community so welcoming as this. Much gratitudeπ
If I knew he was doing his very best to not be an a-holeβ¦It would explain, not excuse. You can have empathy for a lived experience and understand that they are doing the best they can with the tools they have. But that doesnβt make the behavior okay. Maybe you could say a silent wish for this person..whatever that looks like for you. I find that loudness often reveals insecurity. And my silent wish for him is that he can heal that part of himself one day.
I say "that explains it but it doesn't excuse it". Airport Asshole might have been doing his best, his dog might've died or something. I hope he's doin alright wherever he is, that he hopefully is less of a jerk and it was just a bad day. Mostly I hope something makes him smile every day, even that one.
I was distraught seeing and hearing a woman berate her young daughter in a busy Sam's Club. No one but school cooks should shop at Sam's Club, but lots of us go hoping that if we buy 200 rolls of toilet paper we will save a fortune. The store was really noisy and the little girl had enough. Her mother had even more enough!! I realized I was staring when the woman glared at me. Before she could say anything, I commented on how adorable her child was and that the colors of her outfit looked perfect on her. The mom deflated and teared up. I stepped closer and remarked how hard I found it to take my children food shopping especially in a behemoth store like this one. She told me she couldn't find what she needed and her daughter was so tired... She asked me where the item she needed was and we walked around the store together. She shopped and I played with her daughter while she stayed in the carriage. When we got to the long check out line the three of us chatted until it was her turn. I thanked her and the little girl for their company. The mom gently asked her daughter to throw me a kiss. All three of us were really, really doing our best. I went home to my kids without buying a thing. It was my best trip to Sam's club.
One thing I notice, that I repeat even in my darkest times, is βIβm trying my bestβ, and on some level Iβve always wondered, is that true? How can I truly know that this is what the strongest trying looks like? When I think that, I think of your voice, somewhere in my memory of your poetry saying βtry softerβ and it makes me feel better. I believe everyone is trying their best, but in the case of the airport assholes and everyday moments where we feel like we have failed to be kind enough, we could try softer. Lovely post today, thank you
I've begun saying I'm trying to do my best. I'm absolutely not doing my best, but I'm trying. And on days I'm not trying very well, I know I'm trying to try.
So, Iβm a therapist, specialized in trauma and complex mental health, and Iβve had colleagues ask me how I can find compassion and empathy for some of the people with which Iβve worked. Understanding and believing that they are just doing the best they can in any given moment, that has been my foundation. Iβve talked about this with clients, and they are always, understandably, skeptical. In groups, especially, I hear people question this, usually in regards to judging their own behavior.
But I also add to the notion, because nothing is ever black and white, and I love dialectical thinking. Everyone is doing the best they can AND they could probably do better. Holding space for both truths gives us the ability to grant ourselves and others grace, without giving up on progress. And we need the grace. Without it, shame would win. We would continue to be assholes. We would continue to act on the defense rather than act out of love.
Nothing would change my understanding about the angry asshole. I was angry for much of my life. Very angry. So angry I felt its constant seething under my skin. BUT I never took it out on the customer service people who had no control over a situation. Even when I wanted to, I didn't. Trying your best also includes making yourself understand empathy. If you aren't trying to learn to be better, then you aren't trying your best. I facilitate a workshop on implicit bias. Even for people who may not get it in the moment, the fact that they signed up and showed up shows they are at least trying to be better. Trying to be better includes self examination. When examining myself, I had to confront my anger and deal with the hurt that my anger had always hid. None of us know what each other going through in life. Because of this, we should be kind to one another as hard as it may be at times. This man approached it from "you don't know what is going on in my life so I'm going to take it out on you." Our world lacks so much empathy.
If I accepted that everyone is genuinely trying their best, then I would be terrified. Terrified at how low the bar is. Terrified at how so many can hate each other. Terrified that so many have given up on themselves. The best thing I ever did for myself was to confront my anger. I went through therapy (I used EMDR which was what I needed to truly tap into my body) and I got better. Do you know how much easier it is to get through life when you aren't constantly angry anymore? My body is finally accepting that it can live in a state of calmness. The most effective way to create a just, loving, and peaceful world is for us to confront whatever has made us that way. It is to learn that others are going through what you have gone through and worse. It is listening to other people's experiences and learning from them.
While I can have empathy for the situation that the asshole is in, that does not mean that I can allow him to accept that this is the best he could do.
Yes, when observing others, I think we need to learn the difference between trying βthe bestβ and trying βtheir bestβ. Of course they could, and ought to, always try better and better, but as Maya Angelou said, βDo the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.β
If I knew that the Asshole at the Airport had tried his very best to not be an asshole, I think I would know that he is a terrified little boy inside-a little boy who has been shamed for not being perfect, for not getting it done, for not being the hero. A little boy who believes that if he isnβt where he is supposed to be, his entire world will fall apart. He will lose everything. If I can remember this, then I can look him in the eye with tenderness and hopefully he will know that at least someone sees him.
As a mother, more than any other time in my life, I feel like my best is terrible. Inside, I feel like a good person, but I know I'm not bringing that to the table as much as I want to. My son is 5, and into super heroes. Good guys and bad guys. What I have tried my best to explain is that there is no such thing. Everyone is a bit of both, depending on the day, situation, circumstances, etc.
Oh gracious this. Iβm not the Asshole at the Airport but sometimes I think Iβm the Asshole in the Playroom. π Iβm kind as all get out to the strangers I donβt know but my anger sure can win when Iβm around my kids. (working on it!)
I love these questions. I fall into the camp of believing everyone's almost always doing their very best -- that this world's a really hard place to be plopped into, and that no one really, truly *wants* to be an asshole. And! That acting like an asshole really doesn't feel good. Maybe superficially, in the way it can pump us full of tall self righteousness, but I know that height to be brittle, unsustainable, not rooted in actual power, and deeply lonely. I feel for people who are acting like assholes. When someone acts like an asshole, it dictates my proximity to them, not how much I love them or trust that they're doing their best. I often return to Prentis Hemphill's words: Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. For me, it's all about that.
I'm blessed to live with a woman who shares my ethos here. Whenever we get into the thickets of whatever it is we're in, we're always there to remind each other that there are No Bad People. Regardless in the objective truth of any of this, when I feel these things, I feel better. More alive, more compassionate and loving, more lush and rooted.
I'm currently dealing with a lot of assholes at the Online Airport of social media (they're both such transient spaces). And I think you become an asshole, even when trying your best, when you blind yourself to the other person's humanity.
And it isn't easy to be aware of the humanity in all of us, and there's factors like our culture and education that affect it. But I think the only way we can make the world just and peaceful is by making every single person understand the humanity in all of us.
thank you for the morning yoga class. Good to remember not only about others, but about myself. Am I trying my best in this moment? I experience the most anger in the car. And I would get so mad and cuss when others made mistakes. Then I realized I was just so scared after having been in a bad accident. Now instead of "f you crazy driver" I tell myself "you are safe right now" . I can forgive dumb mistakes....but still pissed at others who drive like they don't care about the wellbeing of others.
Thkuuuuu. Unfortunately and fortunately that same language was a reason I stayed in my emotionally abusive relationship π£
I would literally say the same thing βheβs doing his best, itβs terrible but he was tryingβ¦β
but damn it if it wasnβt enoughβ¦ and HE broke up with ME bc of the exact fear of continuing to be an emotionally dismissive reactive asshole to me and not being able to change it.
So now Iβd add βa good person is one who is trying to be compassionate, and honest, consistently, and taking action to follow through instead of βjust tryingβ occasionallyβ
Which felt like bare minimum in the endβ¦
Lol
Uhg
This life.
The nuances are endless.
I suppose thatβs what makes it beautiful.
Today Compassionate Boundaries are my jam. The bulk of my teachings
And what broke my heart πbut also freed it from that subtle abuse of inconsistent but still present, mistreatment and micro aggression that I was able to bypass through yoga/meditation for years - ironic that compassion can enable abuse but so can truth/if used in a harmful way.
So bizarre how βgood thingsβ can turn on us if we re not paying attention
I am USUALLY able to have compassion for the asshole and wonder what pain they are struggling with at that time. Realizing we are all struggling with pain in one way or another helps me remember we are also all human and generally doing our best, given our level of consciousness. This doesnβt make me completely immune from being that asshole myself, but Iβd like to think those occasions are more rare and more able to forgive than they used to be.
I thought I was finished with my answer but then I remembered something applicable from years ago when my kiddos were little. True story: We were at the Disney World Campground and I had taken them to the playground area to burn off some steam, but also to get them out of the way of the camp set up activities. The playground was adjacent to the entrance/exit gate.
The kids were playing normally, but my attention was briefly diverted to a whole car full of people taking pictures and wildly exclaiming about this giant, proud peacock strutting about in front of them with his feathers completely spread out. The peacock was taking up as much space as possible. After a minute or two, the commotion died down and the car went slowly and carefully around the bird and out the exit. Seconds later, another car full of people hurriedly screeched and sped around the bird while its passengers shouted expletives and waved fists in the air. Same bird, same place in time, but completely different reactions by two sets of people encountering it. The stark contrast set the stage for me for the first time to appreciate how we do create our own realities through our individual perspectives and how easily that narrative can shift.
From then on, Iβve been able to observe βassholesβ in a completely different light.
It would soften the anger that rises up in me seeing him be an asshole.
I notice this with my children when they are throwing tantrums or being extra challenging. It's a lot easier for me to stay calm and grounded when I remember they are doing the best they can.
Knowing that people are trying their best reminds me to listen to the pain behind their anger. I cooked for a year at an assisted/independent living facility. The people who had the most complaints about their cooking were the ones who often cried when I would take the knee and listen. They were vulnerable, in a big change in their life, they feared they were going to die in a facility, and they just needed to see that someone cared about them. The thing that brings my heart the most contentment about that year is the huge hole in the knee of the pants I wore to work.
I have spent a good chunk of my career working with older adults in institutional settings. That hole in the knee of your pants should never ever be underestimated.
"Longterm care facilities"...as if this is a more gentle, more human term for "Nursing Home,"...regardless, the most grounding connection to a time bomb of a time-clock...no timecard punched could take away the regret I watch-cloud over so many humans in my nursing career...just, waiting for their time to come. Empty of hope.
Of love.
Of honor.
Of dignity.
Of worth.
As if all the life they had lived just evaporated into the thin, last breaths breathing...and even they "wished these breaths gone to save burden on society."
The number of people I've told, that they aren't done yet, that they have purpose here yet still... no mater how small they feel this may be, is for what? A sell out to some schmo on a living human beings "spend-down" account???
π nauseous.
...
Here, in the belly of a nursing home capitalized and gaining on the "spend-downs" ive whitnessed in this bs capitalist friggan systemπ. Here in America, the land of the free, of opportunity they say...
We raise our children "strong and independent" on formula, cribs and crying themselves to sleep"
We strive for independent educations..."believe in your dreams, they say at 18, sign this dotted line, we'll cover ya!"
(I dont know about you'all, but Im still paying for it and I just turned 40)π€¦π»ββοΈ
We strive for independent households...parents workin their kiesters off to pay for a seperate house, utilities, earnings...etc, recreating the wheel while our parents are "empty-nesting"
...
If were lucky to make it to retirement, maybe we have a few good years. We strive for connection, fullfillment, purpose...
...
I feel, extremely heavy hearted by the number of patients I see on the daily, that tell me the system is fucked. They got it wrong. They didnt spend enough time and attention on their family, the things that "actually matter," their purpose.
...
I am stuck here too...the "sandwich generation"
I suppose I am here within. Isn't this though, how we all used to care for, love and support our elders, our children our brothers and sisters?? A foot-long stuffed full of all the fixins? All complimenting eachother and feeding the whole unit, together. Family. The whole unit under one mortgage that everyone contributed to...and the elder/child care. And the lawn/snow/garbage removal. And the upkeep on the property. And the paperwork...everyone worked together under one roof and got it done yeah? Am I disillusioned in thinking this way?
...before us all fighting for the
Exact. Same. Thing.
Alone, in seperate homes all to ourselves that we are all grossly over our heads in debt over? Quadrupling the pollution and human foot print factor?...What the "F" are we fighting so hard for?
...
I am also a pawn in this game. My soon to be father- in -law, (the father of my best friend for over 20 years, whom Ive known and loved at least this long,) was seemingly healthy last November. When my partner and I went to visit him for his birthday, he was "off." He deterioriated fast (within hours) and when he was diagnosed with meningitis at a local community hospital that evening, he was quickly transported out to a higher level hospital, later intubated, had multiple strokes and now almost a year later...with all the "failed physical therapy" ...
"failed voiding trials"...
"failure. to. thrive..."
...
Our dad is stuck in a torture chamber. He is in a nursing home, calling us multiple times a day disclosing his coordinates for us to safely extract him from his unit that has been taken captive...
Because his wife (just had hip surgery 2 weeks ago), is unable to support his needs at home, their son, the love of my whole world, is tasked with going home. We had been jointly raising our teenage son and our 6 year old daughter here in Vermont, taking breaks to go be with his parents for the past year.
...
Our fight, my partner and I, is that we divide and conquer. He can't keep a working schedule, so quit his job (now, my man, a newly trans man and for f-sake, going home after 20+ years away... making his case for this human experience to all the home town locals about all of it and answering to the snarky "oh, so you don't work??" Is, as one can imagine...demoralizing and humiliating.
I can't imagine the strength in psyche he holds for unconditional love for what is important. His "work" in managing his parents appointments, going to see dad most every day at the nursing home, their house upkeep, yard work, snow and garbage removal...and yes, the mountains and mountains of paperwork... 6 hours west of our little home here in VT, helping to raise our teenage son and daughter from phone calls and group chats...is not only a strain on our personal existence...but its more than I feel our society is built to handle. The most interesting conversations happen...when we attempt to explain our love for one another...and how we both wish we could do so much more. I cant help but wonder how much easier, more freeing and aligned this would all be, if we were all in the same place. Taking turns, giving respite, solice and comfort in way of potluck-style, "grab the guitar jr, and play me an ol one", free form multigenerational dance along-side our elders AND our children...our greatest teachers.
...
Thank you for sharing. Youve inspired me tremendously with your post. Ive needed this exact space to spill out onto a page. In a community so welcoming as this. Much gratitudeπ
π₯Ή
If I knew he was doing his very best to not be an a-holeβ¦It would explain, not excuse. You can have empathy for a lived experience and understand that they are doing the best they can with the tools they have. But that doesnβt make the behavior okay. Maybe you could say a silent wish for this person..whatever that looks like for you. I find that loudness often reveals insecurity. And my silent wish for him is that he can heal that part of himself one day.
"But that doesnβt make the behavior okay."
exactly!
I say "that explains it but it doesn't excuse it". Airport Asshole might have been doing his best, his dog might've died or something. I hope he's doin alright wherever he is, that he hopefully is less of a jerk and it was just a bad day. Mostly I hope something makes him smile every day, even that one.
I was distraught seeing and hearing a woman berate her young daughter in a busy Sam's Club. No one but school cooks should shop at Sam's Club, but lots of us go hoping that if we buy 200 rolls of toilet paper we will save a fortune. The store was really noisy and the little girl had enough. Her mother had even more enough!! I realized I was staring when the woman glared at me. Before she could say anything, I commented on how adorable her child was and that the colors of her outfit looked perfect on her. The mom deflated and teared up. I stepped closer and remarked how hard I found it to take my children food shopping especially in a behemoth store like this one. She told me she couldn't find what she needed and her daughter was so tired... She asked me where the item she needed was and we walked around the store together. She shopped and I played with her daughter while she stayed in the carriage. When we got to the long check out line the three of us chatted until it was her turn. I thanked her and the little girl for their company. The mom gently asked her daughter to throw me a kiss. All three of us were really, really doing our best. I went home to my kids without buying a thing. It was my best trip to Sam's club.
Sometimes we all need a little help, for whatever reason. You stepped up and offered your help to this mama and her little girl. Way to go!
What an inspiring response and example of compassion. Beautiful!
One thing I notice, that I repeat even in my darkest times, is βIβm trying my bestβ, and on some level Iβve always wondered, is that true? How can I truly know that this is what the strongest trying looks like? When I think that, I think of your voice, somewhere in my memory of your poetry saying βtry softerβ and it makes me feel better. I believe everyone is trying their best, but in the case of the airport assholes and everyday moments where we feel like we have failed to be kind enough, we could try softer. Lovely post today, thank you
"Try Softer"...even to ourselves...π
I've begun saying I'm trying to do my best. I'm absolutely not doing my best, but I'm trying. And on days I'm not trying very well, I know I'm trying to try.
So, Iβm a therapist, specialized in trauma and complex mental health, and Iβve had colleagues ask me how I can find compassion and empathy for some of the people with which Iβve worked. Understanding and believing that they are just doing the best they can in any given moment, that has been my foundation. Iβve talked about this with clients, and they are always, understandably, skeptical. In groups, especially, I hear people question this, usually in regards to judging their own behavior.
But I also add to the notion, because nothing is ever black and white, and I love dialectical thinking. Everyone is doing the best they can AND they could probably do better. Holding space for both truths gives us the ability to grant ourselves and others grace, without giving up on progress. And we need the grace. Without it, shame would win. We would continue to be assholes. We would continue to act on the defense rather than act out of love.
Sooooo true!!
I have thoughts about your question!
Nothing would change my understanding about the angry asshole. I was angry for much of my life. Very angry. So angry I felt its constant seething under my skin. BUT I never took it out on the customer service people who had no control over a situation. Even when I wanted to, I didn't. Trying your best also includes making yourself understand empathy. If you aren't trying to learn to be better, then you aren't trying your best. I facilitate a workshop on implicit bias. Even for people who may not get it in the moment, the fact that they signed up and showed up shows they are at least trying to be better. Trying to be better includes self examination. When examining myself, I had to confront my anger and deal with the hurt that my anger had always hid. None of us know what each other going through in life. Because of this, we should be kind to one another as hard as it may be at times. This man approached it from "you don't know what is going on in my life so I'm going to take it out on you." Our world lacks so much empathy.
If I accepted that everyone is genuinely trying their best, then I would be terrified. Terrified at how low the bar is. Terrified at how so many can hate each other. Terrified that so many have given up on themselves. The best thing I ever did for myself was to confront my anger. I went through therapy (I used EMDR which was what I needed to truly tap into my body) and I got better. Do you know how much easier it is to get through life when you aren't constantly angry anymore? My body is finally accepting that it can live in a state of calmness. The most effective way to create a just, loving, and peaceful world is for us to confront whatever has made us that way. It is to learn that others are going through what you have gone through and worse. It is listening to other people's experiences and learning from them.
While I can have empathy for the situation that the asshole is in, that does not mean that I can allow him to accept that this is the best he could do.
i love this response.
your comment.ππthank you.
I would be terrified. Wow. This explains so much for me. I am terrified.
Amen.
Yes, when observing others, I think we need to learn the difference between trying βthe bestβ and trying βtheir bestβ. Of course they could, and ought to, always try better and better, but as Maya Angelou said, βDo the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.β
I love that quote
If I knew that the Asshole at the Airport had tried his very best to not be an asshole, I think I would know that he is a terrified little boy inside-a little boy who has been shamed for not being perfect, for not getting it done, for not being the hero. A little boy who believes that if he isnβt where he is supposed to be, his entire world will fall apart. He will lose everything. If I can remember this, then I can look him in the eye with tenderness and hopefully he will know that at least someone sees him.
As a mother, more than any other time in my life, I feel like my best is terrible. Inside, I feel like a good person, but I know I'm not bringing that to the table as much as I want to. My son is 5, and into super heroes. Good guys and bad guys. What I have tried my best to explain is that there is no such thing. Everyone is a bit of both, depending on the day, situation, circumstances, etc.
Oh gracious this. Iβm not the Asshole at the Airport but sometimes I think Iβm the Asshole in the Playroom. π Iβm kind as all get out to the strangers I donβt know but my anger sure can win when Iβm around my kids. (working on it!)
It's a whole other beast for sure
God I feel this πππ
I love these questions. I fall into the camp of believing everyone's almost always doing their very best -- that this world's a really hard place to be plopped into, and that no one really, truly *wants* to be an asshole. And! That acting like an asshole really doesn't feel good. Maybe superficially, in the way it can pump us full of tall self righteousness, but I know that height to be brittle, unsustainable, not rooted in actual power, and deeply lonely. I feel for people who are acting like assholes. When someone acts like an asshole, it dictates my proximity to them, not how much I love them or trust that they're doing their best. I often return to Prentis Hemphill's words: Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. For me, it's all about that.
I'm blessed to live with a woman who shares my ethos here. Whenever we get into the thickets of whatever it is we're in, we're always there to remind each other that there are No Bad People. Regardless in the objective truth of any of this, when I feel these things, I feel better. More alive, more compassionate and loving, more lush and rooted.
Thanks as always for your you.
Are yβall and the angry neighbor okay and safe, though?
I was wondering that also.
I'm currently dealing with a lot of assholes at the Online Airport of social media (they're both such transient spaces). And I think you become an asshole, even when trying your best, when you blind yourself to the other person's humanity.
And it isn't easy to be aware of the humanity in all of us, and there's factors like our culture and education that affect it. But I think the only way we can make the world just and peaceful is by making every single person understand the humanity in all of us.
thank you for the morning yoga class. Good to remember not only about others, but about myself. Am I trying my best in this moment? I experience the most anger in the car. And I would get so mad and cuss when others made mistakes. Then I realized I was just so scared after having been in a bad accident. Now instead of "f you crazy driver" I tell myself "you are safe right now" . I can forgive dumb mistakes....but still pissed at others who drive like they don't care about the wellbeing of others.
Thkuuuuu. Unfortunately and fortunately that same language was a reason I stayed in my emotionally abusive relationship π£
I would literally say the same thing βheβs doing his best, itβs terrible but he was tryingβ¦β
but damn it if it wasnβt enoughβ¦ and HE broke up with ME bc of the exact fear of continuing to be an emotionally dismissive reactive asshole to me and not being able to change it.
So now Iβd add βa good person is one who is trying to be compassionate, and honest, consistently, and taking action to follow through instead of βjust tryingβ occasionallyβ
Which felt like bare minimum in the endβ¦
Lol
Uhg
This life.
The nuances are endless.
I suppose thatβs what makes it beautiful.
Today Compassionate Boundaries are my jam. The bulk of my teachings
And what broke my heart πbut also freed it from that subtle abuse of inconsistent but still present, mistreatment and micro aggression that I was able to bypass through yoga/meditation for years - ironic that compassion can enable abuse but so can truth/if used in a harmful way.
So bizarre how βgood thingsβ can turn on us if we re not paying attention
Thku for exchanging thoughts with me π«Ά
I am USUALLY able to have compassion for the asshole and wonder what pain they are struggling with at that time. Realizing we are all struggling with pain in one way or another helps me remember we are also all human and generally doing our best, given our level of consciousness. This doesnβt make me completely immune from being that asshole myself, but Iβd like to think those occasions are more rare and more able to forgive than they used to be.
I thought I was finished with my answer but then I remembered something applicable from years ago when my kiddos were little. True story: We were at the Disney World Campground and I had taken them to the playground area to burn off some steam, but also to get them out of the way of the camp set up activities. The playground was adjacent to the entrance/exit gate.
The kids were playing normally, but my attention was briefly diverted to a whole car full of people taking pictures and wildly exclaiming about this giant, proud peacock strutting about in front of them with his feathers completely spread out. The peacock was taking up as much space as possible. After a minute or two, the commotion died down and the car went slowly and carefully around the bird and out the exit. Seconds later, another car full of people hurriedly screeched and sped around the bird while its passengers shouted expletives and waved fists in the air. Same bird, same place in time, but completely different reactions by two sets of people encountering it. The stark contrast set the stage for me for the first time to appreciate how we do create our own realities through our individual perspectives and how easily that narrative can shift.
From then on, Iβve been able to observe βassholesβ in a completely different light.
It would soften the anger that rises up in me seeing him be an asshole.
I notice this with my children when they are throwing tantrums or being extra challenging. It's a lot easier for me to stay calm and grounded when I remember they are doing the best they can.